Handling Fears:
When we get triggered by an event, it’s tempting to follow
the accompanying thoughts down a rabbit hole to the useless world of
doubts and negative forecasts, and other “oh no’s and “what if’s.”
Doing so is usually counterproductive however
and likely to intensify fear instead, perhaps to the point of activating
defense strategies, and other stuck, harmful patterns. When thoughts intensify
fears to levels that flood the mind and body with cortisol, fear can virtually
shut down most normal processes of the body to include higher-thinking brain
functions.
At best, this can leave us feeling powerless,
perhaps losing our sense of hope.
There are more effective, and proven successful
ways to handle fears, to learn and benefit from them, perhaps even support
loved ones to do the same by modeling healthy responses. Before outlining
some steps, there are several things to consider about fear:
There are two “types” of fear depending on intensity and
situation.
On the one hand there is fear that is often labeled
“irrational” and associated with “cognitive distortion” thinking patterns. This
type of fear, can block us from engaging in activities and endeavors that are
essential to daily life, as well as our growth, happiness and wellbeing.
On the other hand, fear is not only normal—it is also a
useful human response! We cannot eliminate all fear and anxiety, and wouldn’t
want to! Fear-based emotions are great teachers, for example, disappointment
or anxiety can stimulate low levels of stress that moves us to take
action to protect or improve our life, self or situation.
Essentially, healthy fear serves us in the following three
key ways.
1. Our protection and
survival.
Fear is a natural human response that serves our survival.
The rush of adrenaline triggered by our fears prepares us to either run away
from or face a potential danger. When our fears seem bigger than life, however,
this can prevent us from participating and taking action.
A primary function of fear is to ensure our survival, thus,
fear-based emotions are supposed to be painful. The pain moves us to
take action to protect ourselves.
Essentially, fear triggers our built in alarm system,
sending a signal to our brain that then alerts all systems in our body of the
possibility of danger or harm. Known as the survival response of “fight or
flee,” this prepares us to take some decisive action, either run away from or
confront danger. Our heart rate, breathing and blood pressure increase, and our
digestive system shuts down to conserve energy. Literally, this galvanizes
energies to prepare us to act in ways that ensure we survive
and successfully deal with threat.
Some physical dangers are more obvious than others, thus,
relatively easy to stay away from. For example, we know to avoid driving on the
wrong side of the street, we know to stay away from fire, and we know to
eliminate hazardous materials from the areas we live in to protect our physical
health.
Situations or substances that can over stimulate or depress
our senses, such as sugary-starchy foods, alcohol, drugs, risky sex — all fall
in the stay-away category as they are much more difficult to discern
as “dangers” simply because of: their power to release “pleasure” signals
in our brains, which mask the potential harm they can cause. Over
stimulated senses can literally paralyze our brains, common sense and wisdom,
which is what addiction is about. The reason we need to discipline our mind and
body to stay away from certain foods, substances or sexually compromising
situations is because of the power they have to overwhelm our senses, thus
steal away our ability to make wise or optimal choices.
In the civilized world we live in, however, most situations
that activate our survival response rarely call for physical fighting
or running away. Emotional threats are ones that trigger our intimacy fears,
such as fear of rejection, inadequacy, abandonment. In this case, the
choice is between either directly confronting the emo-psychological
threat – or withdrawing to avoid any conflict. In either case, the
goal of our emotional-survival system is to restore our sense of safety and
love (core-drives to matter) by activating tried and proven defense
strategies.
Psychological risks to our mental, emotional and spiritual
well being, however, are more difficult to spot. We’ve seen or experienced this
personally. A bag of chips that lures a person who intended to eat only a few,
to empty the bag instead, not from hunger but emotional eating. An
alcoholic drink that lowers a person’s IQ to where they commit an act of
violence they normally would not. A seductive man who flatters a married woman
into thinking, “How can just a lunch be wrong, when it feels “nice” to be
around him?” Bitterness masked as righteous indignation that keeps
one stuck feeling rage, hatred etc., even though they can see the
damage it causes to their own health and well being. All are cases in
which pleasure chemicals take over by dulling any emotional pain,
thus, putting us at high risk of both making seriously uninformed
decisions and taking action accordingly that are 180 degrees contrary
to our highest interests, emotionally, physically, and so on.
In contrast, when our fear response operates well, we
welcome painful emotions as potential teachers and friends. We seek to remain
consciously aware of our emotional states, to identify threats to our
power to make optimal choices, based on past experience and current
information. Experience teaches us to stay away from certain addictive
situations, foods or people, for example, to protect our self and our
relationships.
For the wisdom we have at present, we can mostly thank
our capacity to feel painful emotions, all of which are rooted in fear.
Problems usually occur when the wires get crossed and we
develop a habit of reacting defensively to lessen the pain with emotional
attacks or running away, rather than pausing to feel and understand what our
fear-based emotions are telling us about our self and life, our yearnings
in a situation, what is most important to us, and so on.
In other words, when our brain and body are in survival
mode, we do not have access to higher thinking processes of our brain’s frontal
cortex. Fear and painful emotions are vital information that grows our wisdom;
after all, real friends do not just tell us what we want to hear.
2. Our Personal
Growth and Health
Fear also serves us our personal growth and development. It
does so by inviting us to step out “comfort zones” that keep us stuck and
spinning in circles.
That is, it energizes us to go beyond merely living to “survive”
to going on to thrive! When we step out of our comfort zones we stretch and
grow, heal and surpass our present level of ability. This builds and
strengthens our courage and confidence muscles.
Courage after all is not the absence of fear, rather the willingness
to do what is in our highest good in spite of feeling the fear.
The “fear” associated with moving out of our comfort zone,
when misinterpreted, however, may trigger the “fight or flee” survival
response. Certain situations produce discomfort because they require us to move
out of our comfort zone. They are the daily challenges we face at home, work,
personally and in our relationships that offer opportunities for maximizing our
potential.
There is only one successful way to “fight” this kind of fear,
and that is to confront it. Both Eleanor and President Roosevelt are quoted as
saying, “There is nothing to fear, but fear itself.” It is this kind of fear
they refer to, inviting us, paradoxically, to fight and avoid this kind of fear
with fear. Likewise, Jesus refers to this fear, repeating the words, “Fear not”
more than any others, and so did the angels, for that matter.
Irrational fears often keep us in these comfort zones, which
are at best illusions of safety.
Opportunities that trigger fear invite us to come out of our
comfort zones to grow and realize our potential. If we tune in to what fear is
telling us, it should lead us to taking some essential action, such as move in
another direction, or learn something we need to know to better solve an issue,
or even make necessary preparations to increase chances for success in an
upcoming scheduled exam, presentation or job interview.
3. Gateway to Meaningful Change and Purpose
A third way fear serves us is to alert us to examine our
life more closely, more specifically, to remind us of our human need to live
life with purpose and meaning, and consider whether a lifestyle change is in
order. We can ask ourselves, does the fear relate to a recurring pattern that
produces negative results? Are there things we do, or neglect doing, that
prevent us from having the life and relationships we want to have?
While fear calls us to action, in order to make meaningful
change, our action must grounded in love, not fear. In other words, while fear
may alert us to take a closer look, our motivation should stem from love. The
same applies to taking action to protect ourselves from harmful situations, or
move out of our comfort zones.
Thus, an important question to ask ourselves here is: What
motivates us to take action—love or fear? Certainly fear can work as a
motivator in all three situations, i.e., to protect ourselves from harmful
situations, grow by moving out of our comfort zones, and making meaningful
lifestyle changes. When our actions are motivated by fear, in most cases, they
are not only less effective, but also counterproductive. Why? While fear works
to get our attention, we know from the way the human body is designed that fear
can be very taxing on the body’s resources and overall health. The body has enormous
powers of regulating and restoring itself. Over time, however, fear lowers the
body’s ability to protect itself. When this happens, our body may produce other
“alert” signals, in the form of minor ailments, such as colds, asthma. When
these are ignored, more serious conditions, such as cancer or heart condition,
may develop.
Another reason has to do with the power of thoughts on the
body’s health. Fear produces fear-based thoughts, which are focused on
scarcity, that is, what is wrong and how wrong, what or who is to blame, how
unfair how impossible the situation is, what qualities we or others lack, and
so on. For example, here are some of the garden-variety fears that arise in us:
- What if I do not
have what it takes to succeed?
- What if
something goes wrong?
- What if my
success makes someone unhappy?
While these fears may be normal, they can be harmful to us.
The problem focus also fails to bring successful resolution. Instead, it
intensifies the fear, exaggerates the enormity of the problem, and hides the
resources and solutions. If they are given credence they can put an end to even
the most well laid plans.
Additionally, we should know that the thoughts above are
merely indicative of a culture that has conditioned us to act from fear. From
childhood, parents taught us to behave to their liking out of fear of being
punished, guilt out of hurting those who love and provide for us, or shame in
being inadequate as compared to others.
In contrast, when we shift to a lifestyle of being led by
love, we find ourselves grounded with confidence in doing the right thing, for
the sake of doing right, that is, rather than allow our emotions to control our
lives, we take charge of our emotions to examine and chose helpful versus
harmful actions to take.
Love is not just any love, but the noblest form of love,
agape love. It is this type of love that casts our fear. It is this type of
love that keeps us living free from growth-inhibiting fears. Even more
importantly, it is this type of love that frees us to love and be loved,
connecting us to a higher purpose in our lives.
In sum, “healthy” fear signals us to take action in three
useful ways:
To protect ourselves by moving away from or eliminating
imminent and present dangers. The purpose here is survival. For our survival,
it calls us to take action to protect ourselves by avoiding or eliminating a
pressing danger.
To invite us to keep growing, by stepping out of growth
stunting “comfort zones.” This serves to promote our personal growth and development.
For our personal growth and development, it invites us to step out of growth
stunting “comfort zones.”
To support us to keep reaching to create a life of purpose
and meaning, it signals us that a significant lifestyle change is in order,
perhaps minor or a complete turnaround. This invites us to For our universal
need to have a life of purpose and meaning, it signals us that a significant
lifestyle change is in order, perhaps minor or a complete turn around.
The fear response can be a great teacher. If we look at life
as a learning journey, we can tune into our fears as signals that can, if we
let them: teach us how to best take care of our self physically,
mentally or spiritually or prepare us to be full participants in our
own success and healing.
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