HOW TO BE REAL WITHOUT BEING
MEAN
The mantra
to “get real” has become popular nowadays — and for good reason. We live in a
society where images rule and authenticity is reserved for blue jeans and
ethnic recipes. We’re trained to polish and parade a false self that we think
will garner acceptance and accolades.
The
isolation and disconnection that’s rampant in our society is based on a
disconnection from our own genuine feelings and longings. We’re afraid to show
what’s real, including our fears, insecurities, and yearning for love and
intimacy. Instead, we may try to project a confident, self-assured, unruffled
self that we think will win us friends and gain success. For example, we might
conceal our hurt or sadness when our partner is late. Our built-up
disappointment or resentment might leak out later over something trivial, which
leaves our partner confused.
The deeper
yearnings of our heart — our desire for love and connection — requires
something from us. We need to know and show what we’re really feeling inside.
Rather than keep our authentic self hidden due to a fear of being rejected or
shamed, we need to summon the courage to contact and reveal what’s genuine
inside us.
We
legitimately want love, respect, and connection. But this wanting will not be
actualized unless we’re willing to give something, both to ourselves and
others: the gift of authenticity and realness.
Being real
with others can feel freeing and empowering, especially when we’ve kept our
true feelings under wraps for so long. Honoring our right to be respected and
setting boundaries that serve our lives can boost our self-esteem. Expressing
feelings of anger when our rights are violated and desires frustrated can feel
liberating, if not intoxicating.
The shadow
side of being genuine is that we may lose sight of how we’re affecting others.
While we pride ourselves on being real, others may experience us as being mean.
“Telling it like it is” may bring a newly-found empowerment, but does it leave
people feeling disheartened or unsafe with us?
If our
intention is limited to free self-expression, our manner of expression may push
people away. If our intention expands to include a desire for a fulfilling
interaction and connection, then we’re invited to be mindful of how our self-expression
affects others.
Being real
with others works better when we’re real with ourselves about what’s actually
going on inside us. Anger toward our partner for being late is a legitimate
feeling, but if we look deeper, there’s probably something more vulnerable
going on. Perhaps their lateness is releasing salt into an old wound of feeling
disrespected. Or, we simply feel sad to miss valuable time with someone we
love. Sharing these feelings would be exposing something that is more deeply
real.
According
to Buddhist psychology, what is called “Right Speech” or “Skillful Speech”
means refraining from saying things that are hurtful. A guideline is to
consider three things before speaking: Is it true? Is it kind? Is it helpful?
If we only
consider what is true, then we have a license to say anything that pops into
our mind. Considering whether it is kind provides a check to our impulsivity.
What is important is not only whether something is true, but also that we
express our truth with gentleness and caring. This softer self-expression
reflects the awareness that people’s hearts are tender — and that we have the
power to be hurtful or helpful.
Considering
whether a comment is helpful means that we’re guided by an intention to deepen
the communication and nourish the relationship rather than by an intention to
retaliate, punish, or hurt a person. It takes a rigorous self-honesty to
differentiate whether we’re coming from a heartful place of caring or a hurtful
place embedded in reactivity.
Marshal
Rosenberg’s Non-Violent Communication (NVC) is one useful model for how to
communicate constructively by using self-revealing statements rather than
attacking, criticizing, and blaming, which are destructive to relationships.
We may
pride ourselves on being real, but developing deeper, safer connections with
our partner, friends, and community requires that we blend honesty with a
simple kindness and consideration of how our truth affects people. It’s a
creative practice to search for words that are congruent with our true feelings
while simultaneously being respectful and caring in our speech and tone of
voice. Skillful communication that honors both ourselves and others is a fine
art that can reap huge rewards in our love life and in all of our
relationships.
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